Mom for an Hour

Let me start off with – Long Distance Parenting SUCKS!!!!

Well, I’ve been down here in Miami for almost two weeks now (feels like 10) and I still have about 4 more weeks to go before I can say “Bye, Bye” to Miami FOREVER! My days are all the same, which means I never know what day of the week it is, and most of the time I don’t leave the house…or this chair for that matter.

I am writing this now to confess to myself that I had NO IDEA just how difficult, heart-wrenching, and stressful it would be to leave my newborn baby and fly down here to study for my COMP exam. I thought since I’ve been away from my family for the better half of two years already, that it would be the same, I was used to it, and time would fly by.

Well Vi,  YOU WERE WRONG!

Every second of every day I long for BG2. My arms ache to hold her and my heart aches to kiss and snuggle her. Right now I feel like a lifeless robot, going through my daily tasks until I fall asleep; then I wake up and do it all over again. My only highlight of the day is that ONE HOUR or so at night when I can see my family via Skype.

That is when I feel like a mom again. That is when I feel like a person again!

I see The Hubbi holding BG2, sometimes she’s awake and other times she’s sleeping, and I feel alive. BG1 walks into the room and tells me she misses me and tries to play games with me (like asking me if I can see her while she covers up the camera lens). I try to soak up all the seconds I can in that time frame, just staring at my kids & talking to The Hubbi, because before you know it, BG2 needs to take a bath or eat or sleep, BG1 needs to do homework, and The Hubbi has to go home so he can rest after a long day of work and handling the kids afterwards.

They say she’s starting to babble and coo now, smiling more and even giving them a bit of a laugh here and there. But I haven’t experienced any of this! I mostly just stare at her while she sleeps or watch helplessly while The Hubbi soothes her when she’s fussy.

Then I go back to studying and feeling like a robot until I can finally manage to fall asleep at around 3AM because I seem to have developed insomnia.

I think, before, it was because BG1 was older. She had daycare and activities to fill her day so even though she was still a child, she wasn’t so dependent on another person to get through the day. I could easily talk to her each night and we got through it. Now, it’s like, BG2 is still so tiny and new I can’t help but feel like a bad mother for not being there for her. Granted, I have a great support system, my mom has helped me every step of the way and The Hubbi has been a trooper handling things on his own. Still, as a mother you feel like it’s your responsibility to care for and nurture your baby. It’s your privilege and a gift that you get to love your baby unlike any other, and I don’t feel like I’m living up to that at all.

In my mind, I just keep counting down the days until this is all over and I can go home. I keep reminding myself that I got myself into this mess so I need to just suck it up, study my butt off, and rock this exam so I can have something to show for my time away from my family!

Just keep telling yourself this…

…27 days.