Today, I’m linking up with Shell at Things I Can’t Say and Pouring My Heart Out!
Yes, I’ve come to the realization that my 6 year old daughter doesn’t really like me much anymore. She loves me, don’t get me wrong, but it’s obvious that she doesn’t want to live with me and doesn’t really care to be around me.
I’ve had her living with me all summer now and I think it’s been too much for her. If you didn’t know, ordinarily, she’d be living with my mother because of school and since I was away, but now that I’m back and it’s summer, she is living with us.
Living with us means no more sleeping in Grandma’s bed with her, eating whatever she wants, playing games with her teenage uncle, and basically being waited on hand and foot by my cousins who also live with my mother. Living with us means cleaning up after yourself, eating what we cook for her, going to sleep at a reasonable hour and not a lot of TV. So that means she obviously doesn’t like staying here.
Back when I came home to visit she would jump at the chance to stay at our house and spend time with me because she missed me. Now, not a day goes by that she doesn’t ask me if she can go over her Grandma’s house or stay at her Aunt’s apartment. And I know it’s because they’re more fun and spoil her, but it just sucks for me because I have to be the disciplinarian, the responsible one, the “mean” one.
Lately I’ve been staying home to take care of her sick sister so she’s been home with me too and I’ve been hearing it nonstop. “Can I go to Grandma’s?” It’s gotten to the point where I am actually mad at her. I’m mad at my 6 year old child! Ridiculous!
But to me, hearing her repeatedly ask to leave me really hurts me and I feel like I don’t even have a daughter anymore. Last week my heart was literally crushed when she asked for the 1,000th time if she could go to her Grandma’s.
I told her if she loved living there so much she could live there from now on. No more coming back to this house or doing anything with us because she obviously didn’t care to be apart of this family anymore. There are only a few weeks left before school starts and she’ll have to go back to my mom’s during the week so I just wanted those last few weeks to feel like a family, but evidently she’s had enough. I know, I’m the adult and she’s just a child, but I’m getting SO sick of hearing it. She clearly doesn’t want to be around me.
I love her to death, she’s my daughter! I would do anything for her and I know she loves me deep down. But, honestly, that day, I just couldn’t look at her the same way. She’s only 6 and she’s already breaking my heart.
I knew that it’s what kids do, sometimes they hurt you and don’t turn out the way you had hoped, but I thought that would come later in life, like during the teen years.
Now I just feel like a terrible mother. I feel like apart of me is missing. I feel angry and hurt that she doesn’t care. And I feel guilty for feeling all these things.
Maybe I’ve been neglecting her, always too busy with the baby, school, or work. Maybe she doesn’t like that I yell at her or apply rules already. I don’t know…
I just know that there’s gap building between us already and it’s only going to continue to grow and I don’t know what to do…